Sugar and Spice?
Media is rife with images and messages for girls – the right labels, the right cars, how to be skinny, how to dress, how to have long and luxurious hair – and more than 70 percent of it carries sexual content.
While we can’t control all of the exposure kids are getting from the likes of Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, we can play an important role as to how our girls see themselves. Connecting with our daughters every day, physically and emotionally, is vital to helping them achieve a good foothold and filter these bombarding images.
One challenge: The older kids get, the more that they need us, but the busier our lives tend to be – what with practices, study table and extracurriculars, not to mention that our daughters are actively seeking out the company of peers as opposed to the company of parents.
Transition times can be a possible connecting time. They are hectic, but they are also times when we have a captive audience. Heading out to school or upon returning, before they get into something else, are examples of these times, as is transporting them to and fro. I urge parents to utilize their drive time for interpersonal connectivity, rather than let kids get lost in their devices while conversation is drowned out by the radio.
Taking leisurely walks together with the family dog (or cat) is another great way to get the conversation going in an informal manner. As children turn into teens, they begin to resist formal attempts at getting them to engage, as they become suspicious that we may be pumping them for information. Ancient Greek philosophers such as Aristotle called this type of dialogue for learning and teaching “peripatetic,” from the Greek word peripato, which literally means “to take a walk.” It was believed, and is still believed today, that taking long walks with others is most effective in getting higher level thinking.
Research supports this. Walks outdoors, particularly in nature, have calming, therapeutic effects, countering the anxiety response and helping to stave off depression, as mentioned in the book Go Wild by Dr. John Ratey. This is an excellent time to help our girls let their guard down and utilize judicious open-ended questions to get them to share.
“When it comes to the Internet, our kids are driving without a license.” –Girl Scout Research Institute
Open-ended vs. closed-ended questions
Open-ended
- Used to gain information
- Structure of the questions elicits responses beyond “yes” and “no”
- Build bridges
- “Tell me how math class was today.”
Closed-ended
- Used to gain control of a conversation
- Structure of the questions elicits responses that have to be “yes” or no”
- Create dams
- “Did you have a good day?”
Note: Closed-ended questions are not always bad. There are times we need to get to the root of a problem or issue and need to gain clarity via closed-ended questions.
Girls grow developmentally in three areas – physically, cognitively and emotionally – in all stages of early life: pre-school, grade school, middle school and high school. The caregiver’s goal is to discover how to affirm their interests in each of these stages, encourage pride in their work, broaden their experiences, listen, watch and, most importantly, be an active participant. There are many books out there for each of these stages, and I encourage adding them to summer reading lists.
Final tips for girls of all ages:
- Hold her responsible for completing tasks and being a part of contributing to the functions of a family, and acknowledge her contributions.
- Share your success and resiliency stories, as well as stories of other strong women, and listen to hers.
- Encourage opportunities for leadership and decision-making. Start with less critical responsibilities and build from there.
- Be the example by taking care of your own relationships and yourself. This is the No. 1 most important message we can give to our daughters.
Snakes and Snails?
Who would win an arm-wrestling match between a seventh-grade boy and a seventh-grade girl?
If you picked the girl, you guessed correctly. Girls go through puberty earlier than boys and, consequently, are frequently stronger than boys their age.
Generally speaking, boys are affected by their genetics as well as their environment. But although testosterone plays a big role in his mood and behavior, the guidance and modeling of those around him exert a larger influence on his ultimate relationship with others.
Caregivers should examine their status as role models and take stock of the messages they are sending. “Guys are clueless” and “women don’t know how to drive” may seem like harmless jesting, but they teach bias and stereotyping, which, simply put, are limiting and harmful to development.
Another common error with boys is failing to teach them an emotional vocabulary. The better nuanced we are with words to describe how we feel, the better able we are to address the causes of our feelings. This is called Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, and there are many online tests to measure it.
If his emotional vocabulary consists mostly of, “good, bad, sad, glad, mad,” then when he feels overwhelmed and cannot correctly identify it, he yells or withdraws or hurts to release his frustration. Likewise, adolescence can foster questions about whether one is “normal,” as well as a sense of discomfort in one’s own skin. If we arm boys with an emotional vocabulary, this process is a bit easier to navigate.
As boys move into middle adolescence, it is important to keep lines of communication open through careful observation (not surveillance) of their musical tastes, reading choices, games, TV shows and Internet videos. I pay attention to my son’s drawings as well.
It is alarming how many children have smart devices – and what they can access with them – which is why my son and daughter are screen-free outside of one hour of Netflix a day. The Internet, for example, can destroy early sexual development (see Navigating the ‘Net, pg. 32). It’s a good idea for parents to meet boys’ friends and stay in contact with their parents, while continuing to have family activities.
Boys and Sports
Most scientists agree that playing sports is good for kids. It teaches sportsmanship, great physical health, discipline, teamwork and the list goes on.
Spectator sports largely do the opposite. They teach rivalry, aggression, sedentary lifestyle and bombardment of marketing images, and waste time, emphasizing memorization of useless data relationships with 2D images of, essentially, strangers.
Parents should allow sons play every sport they wish to play and play with them, coach their teams, condition together. Attending sporting events has a social aspect to it, so it can be used to augment parents’ Buckeye-supporting.
Otherwise, turn the television off and turn life on.
As late adolescence sets in and boys turn into men, it is a good time to begin exploring their plans and ideas for the future.
It’s wise to reserve these types of conversations for after the age of 17; many parents harp on this point early in a boy’s life because of outmoded pressures for him to be the provider. This will eventually lead to a shutdown or, worse, rebellion for the sake of rebellion. A young man needs his freedom in this stage of his life, so they need to be engaged on an adult level.
The most difficult part of parenting is taking a step back and letting sons make mistakes. If they have been taught to learn from them, they will continue to push forward with love, support and – when requested – guidance.
Final tips for boys of any age:
- Surround him with other male role models, including his father figure(s).
- Limit his exposure to media violence, particularly that of a graphic nature.
- Continue to encourage physical activities, not just gaming or spectator sports.
- Utilize moments when your son reaches out to you to provide valuable lessons.
- Be strict with yourself about the rules you choose to have and be sure to enforce them.
- Show up and be his primary teacher in life.
Ria Greiff is a master trainer for a nationwide firm based out of New York and a national speaker on topics of wellness. She has been providing wellness seminars for professionals of Fortune 500 companies for over 15 years. She is also the clinical director of her own benefits consulting firm and has completed her doctorate studies in human services, as well as degrees in counseling and psychology from University of Dayton and The Ohio State University, respectively. She loves to help people and she is always listening. Feel free to contact her with questions, comments or speaking engagement requests at ria@2rogues.com.
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